Supporting a Loved One this Holiday Season

The holidays will look different for everyone. You might be celebrating, seeing family, taking time off to relax, or perhaps things are looking busier than ever. There really is no one way to spend this season, and similarly, there are many ways that one might feel at this time of year.

Guilt, grief, excitement, joy, anxiety, and so many more emotions may arise, and each person will feel differently. However, if there’s something that we all take into the holiday season, it’s how we can care for each other, especially our friends and family with an eating disorder.

Hopefully, this blog can give you some insight into how your loved one feels, what challenges might arise, and how you can care for yourself and others at this time. Starting with some potentially difficult moments and how you can navigate them.

First off, the food itself and mealtimes can feel overwhelming, there are lots of decisions to make. While these feelings won’t apply to everyone, some individuals with an eating disorder might have a hard time choosing something that feels safe, wondering if they should challenge themselves, and figuring out how this fits into a day or week of eating. Moreover, someone with an eating disorder might worry about what others will say about their appearance or how they might speak about bodies and food in general. Some conversations and comments can be triggering, but for people without an eating disorder, this isn’t always apparent.

With all of these factors to consider, they can quickly cause a feeling of panic and leave the individual feeling unable to partake. To help mitigate these fears, use an individualized approach; you know yourself and your loved one best, so choose from this advice what you think would be helpful, and leave the rest.

Before any events or gatherings, it could be useful to talk to the person with an eating disorder and suggest ideas for how you could help them. You could also ask them how they would like to be supported, but this question in itself can be difficult to answer because they might not know.

Maybe ask if they would like you to help them choose some foods to eat, if they would prefer to eat something beforehand, or bring snacks that feel safer. You could also see if they would like you to speak to others about how to navigate a conversation free from potentially harmful comments. There are so many ways that you can make the experience more enjoyable for them, so try suggesting a few, or see what ideas they have.

Moreover, discuss possible challenges before the event, and come up with ways to handle them if they arise. This allows your loved one to work through scenarios, helping the brain to reconcile with what could happen and realize that they will be able to handle it. Oftentimes, it’s suggested to set boundaries with the people who will be present. Some suggest discussing with them how your loved one may be feeling. However, I think that it’s important to recognize that you might not feel comfortable doing this, and this could be for any number of reasons.

Therefore, it’s wise to do some reflection with the person you’re supporting beforehand, thinking about what has bothered your loved one in the past and how they can use what they know to combat the eating disorder’s temptation to spiral. Encouraging them to write this down or speak these thoughts aloud to someone can be especially helpful. This allows them to come back to these ideas later and use them to remind yourself of what is true. 

Sometimes, the mealtime itself can feel threatening. All of a sudden, the room might feel hotter and louder, the way the individual’s clothes and skin feel is more noticeable, and the food in front of them feels harder to manage. When or if this happens, it’s important that they  take a moment to feel those emotions and have someone to talk it out with. So, as the caregiver, recognize that these moments can be stressful, and give your loved one the space to let this out. Having a moment like this might be what’s needed to help them regain their confidence and try eating the meal.

In addition to this, how should you, the caregiver, take care of yourself? Once again, you know what you need to destress, but as some additional tips, try some of the following: Talk it out with someone who will listen, even if they can’t provide advice; it can feel good to discuss what you’re thinking with someone else. If you can’t talk about it with anyone, try writing all of your thoughts down; they don’t have to make any sense, but it can make it feel like you’re taking the thoughts out of your head and unloading them elsewhere. Also, give yourself compassion. You’re trying your hardest to support your loved one, and trust that your efforts do not go to waste. It’s a process; it takes time, but having people like you is the kind of support system that people with eating disorders need to feel understood. Knowing that someone else believes in them can make all the difference, so keep going. Lastly, remember that it’s you and your loved one working against the eating disorder. You both might feel frustrated at times, but nevertheless, you are trying, and it’s your continued efforts and ability to check in with yourself that will allow you to keep supporting them.

Most importantly, be understanding, listen, and approach conversations with neutrality and a willingness to learn. Remember that it’s impossible to fully understand how that person feels, and that’s why it’s so important to check your own biases and perspectives and leave them out of the conversation. This will allow you to truly hear what they’re saying. Eating disorders and relationships are complex, and these things will not come without their challenges, but remember that with empathy and understanding, you can help make the holidays feel just that much less stressful for someone with an eating disorder.