Navigating friendship with someone struggling with an eating disorder can be a very complex and delicate balance. Watching someone you love go through something so challenging and difficult to overcome can leave you feeling alone, helpless, and scared. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder since my early teens and into my twenties, I have had a great deal of experience navigating friendships while in different stages of my illness and recovery. I have been incredibly lucky to have some amazing friends who have stayed by my side throughout my very non-linear journey.
There were also moments earlier in my journey when I didn’t know how to ask for support or share my struggles with my friends. I have come up with a list of a few things that I wished that I could have told my friends earlier on. I want to emphasize that these are things that would help people to better understand my particular lived experience. Every individual struggling with an eating disorder will have a unique experience and their recovery will not look the same. Depending on your friend’s experience, the perspectives here may not completely align with their experience, and ultimately the best person to ask how you can support them is your friend. But if you aren’t quite ready to have that conversation, or if your friend isn’t able to share their needs with you yet, here are a few things to keep in mind that your friend might wish you knew.
It’s okay to ask questions and be curious.
When a friend first opens up to you about struggling with an eating disorder, there are likely many questions swirling around in your head, and also an intense fear of saying the “wrong thing”. In my experience, it is far less of an uncomfortable and awkward experience when my friends have been honest about the questions they have about my struggles and about how they can support me. Remind yourself that asking questions shows that you care and that you want to understand how you can be a supportive friend.
Be a role model when it comes to food and body image.
Sometimes the best ways that my friends have helped me have been through simply modelling what it is like to have a healthy relationship with food. Of course, we live in a society and culture where no one is immune to the damaging effects of the diet industry and weight stigma. However, you can support your friend by simply showing them, often without even needing to use words, how it is possible to live a life where food and body are not ruling your thoughts.
Remind us of why you chose to be our friend and the qualities you value in us.
During low points in my journey, something I have struggled with is feeling insecure in my personality and with the idea that I was not adding enough to a friendship. Struggling with an eating disorder can indeed make someone feel isolated and start to dim their personality. But that doesn’t mean that your friend does not still have all of the same qualities and strengths that were the reason why you became friends with them in the first place. Take the time to remind them of these strengths, and the aspects of them that you will always love.
Just because we might be eating more now doesn’t mean we’re better.
As your friend is going through recovery, you might observe them eating more regularly and potentially having restored weight. It’s important to know that recovery is not a linear journey, and often the physical and behavioural healing that comes with recovery do not align with the mental preoccupation that comes with an eating disorder. This is likely a time that your friend would need your support even more, and this is an opportunity for you to remind them that their struggles are valid and you are there for them, no matter how they may appear on the surface.
At the end of the day, we just want you to be our friend.
If there’s one message I can leave you with, it’s that ultimately, the main thing that my friends have done to help me is show that they are there for me, throughout the ups and downs. As a friend, it is never your responsibility to feel like you need to save your friend or try to force them to get better. But what you can do is just be there for them. Show them that you care and that you love them, and I can assure you that they will be grateful.
Supporting a friend with an eating disorder is not an easy thing to navigate, and if this is something that you are going through, know that you are not alone. Even by reading this, you are demonstrating that you care and want to understand. I can assure you that your friend is lucky to have you in their corner and that your friendship means more to them than you might ever know.
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